[01 Jul 2006|09:36pm] due to a hack of sorts.. i'm now at electriclemon ... :D pass the word on. 1 comment|post comment

~ Friends Only ~ [06 May 2006|08:45pm] Friends only journal -- Reasons: 1. I don't beleive everyone wants to see my issues -- ok i reserve that right for my LJ. 2. I'm a bastard, an asshole and a jack-ass -- i don't let everyone read my shit. 3. Fucking hell -- A THIRD REASON? --- Yea. i retirate the first two. Reasons i shouldn't add you: 1. Immature little fuck who can't read my shit without cracking jokes about how daddy ain't got a real dick. (No, that's for my own mouth to spit out between friends and i about my own future. It's only funny until someone gets hurt -- then it's hilarious.) 2. Homophobic. nuff said. 3. Your initials are ASL or SMM. (Unless you got proof of what it stands for besides a couple people i used to know.) 4. You went to high school with me, NZ or USA. (Why? -- You didn't like me then why now? -- People don't change much.) 5. You go to otago polytechnic with me (As much as you're probably a cool person, and especially if you're in my class -- i just dont know how comfortable i'd be with you reading my things like this. It's not that you're not cool, or i hate you -- it's that i'm a chicken shit XD and plus y'all see me as a chick not a dick :D) Reasons I should add you: 1. You're on my main gj's friends list, and you're interested in my updates here -- in which case please comment here saying so :D. 2. You're off some FTm, Trans-centered community on GJ and you're intersted in my updates -- again please comment here saying so. 3. You're a chick, and you have a nice rack and you're sexy. In which case can i have your number? 4. Number 3 repeated a million times. 5. You're a jrock-idol. O_o something tells me i wont get this -- but hey i'm trying! 6. You're ayumi hamasaki. 7. If you like jrock and you don't want to read this add fuct_erasure instead. but if you like jrock and are interested in this please comment! Other than that O_o -- check tu the following journals of my friends or i's psyence_ perverted_mound ongaku_kudasai aspect_myv let_me_drain lovexreplica freedom_fight ^_^. -Justin 13 comments|post comment

Called up to say.. [29 Aug 2005|07:13pm] It's been a few years since i've been in japan, and i've returned, it's just that.. suprisingly i was in san diego (where else) when the bombs happened. I dont know wether i'm supposed to laugh, cry or what.. because people i know were involved in letting them off, and also i know some who were injured or affected by the raditation. I've heard some interesting things since i left Tsuki No Ai, like the director/headmaster is nearly running out of funds to run the place. It figures, he keeps pouring his fucking heart out to people like me who don't even HAVE a .. ok yes i do have a sob story but i'll explain that in a minute, most people he's let in were by the sheer fact he doens't beleive in forcing anything on anyone. Anyways, my so called sob story. It's been rumoured i'm a clone, its yet to be tested.. but the reason behind this rumouring is because i'm a succesful case of WORKING sex change and sexual reconstruction. (Idiocy begets Idiocy.. i tell ya.) My dick works like clockwork, i see a chick.. i see her chest.. it immediatley does what it wants. However, it's not been there my whole life.. so that's what's so funny. The government.. i dont know WHICH one, or who did it.. or how i got conned into it.. most of what's in my head got blocked before 1999, so yea. Anyways, i was born a girl, raised a girl.. and somewhere in the midst of shit i wake up somewhere in the San Diego area, on the street under a load of cardboard. From there the government 'refinds' me, takes me in.. and yea. from there i went awol in 2003, only to leave Tsuki No Ai because of differences we could't agree on. But again, here i am in tokyo, at the airport in the smoking lounge wondering why the hell i'm here. I HATE it here. All i see and hear is the whole pacifistic regime.. but then again, if i'm not careful the opposite could snatch me up. I'm my own man y'know.. i don't MOVE by the rules of others. post comment

[02 Jul 2005|10:59pm] It's been a year since the kits were born.. and it's been a long year. I've struggled to understand my feelings and everything, and i've grown apart from friends and grown closer at the same time. I guess the only thing i really don't understand now is, why haven't Seth and I grown closer? I've come home and done my best to open up to her, and share what i am.. and she has embraced me. That's not problem.. i do n't know much about her past, and i dont know much about her old life. I know some of her family, and one or two of her friends. I dont understand this. I've talked to Yoshiki, and hide.. and i've sat hours on end thinking about it.. i just can never come up with an answer. Lifes mysteries are piling up, and a poor boy .. if i can still be called that. I mean yea, i haven't had an issue at all with waking up as a female again, not since i finally forced lightning to merge finally. Yea, i did that. hide think's that though it's my descsion.. it wasn't the best way to go about it. I understand that. I worry more.. as i see the golden furred cat in the room upstairs deteriorate. I dont know why she's not doing well.. She won't respond. She's alive, and her organs are functioning.. but she's semi catatonic. i'm exhausted, i need to go back to bed.. the kits are whining. post comment

>>....................... [23 Mar 2005|10:37pm] my month. let's see. panthress is here to ruin my life. she's alright i suppose but she .. she keeps yelling at me "BE A MAN" and bullshit @_@ one day i got so FUCKING depressed about it and begged MANA to give me a t-shot. >>; needless to say i locked myself in my room and stapled anything fluffy to the wall before i broke anything. I .. i'm not ok yet. this is my fault and i have to deal with it. I'm more physically sick from it now.. i suppose i KINDA was due for one @_@.. since it's been seven eight years. Panthress bitched ">>; you dont exercise" .. bull actually i do. after i'm done with guitar i'm down in the freaking gym. Why? @_@ because my kits wear me out.. i have to try and get IN SHAPE for them. I was noticing a few things that SETH would've pointed out eventually >>; At 22, a guy shouldn't have an hourglass figure >>; OR slightly bulging chest protrusions known as boobs. >>; Seriously though i've been puking and dry retching for two days straight.. Seth called up to my little private insanity room and said ">>; looks like i dont have to beat the shit out of you, your doing it to yourself. When your done come back home downstairs.. we need to talk NOW." >>; i'll come when i'm done tearing shit to shreds with my teeth and dry retching. O-o maybe the shot is fucking with my powers? 1 comment|post comment

@_@. [09 Mar 2005|07:19pm] not much to update on. hell this fucking medical center smells of fermaldahyde and broken expierements what the fuck did kirito have going on here? really it reeks. according to his computer file he's only a mid class mutant, but something reeks of alchemic solutions and everything @_@. unless suddenly there's an alchemist around and that sort of shit really exist. i dont know .. i'm talking out my ass i know. but this place smells. i know deep down it's not red's fault, or at least the smell.. O_o. But i know she is part of why i'm here, and i don't like it. Lightning retorts and yells at me that she's doing this for me, because deep down i'm this fucking evil bastard. O_o. since when? I don't have a seperate altar.. or at least i don't beleive i do.. i have a nasty hot temper.. O_o.. but uh.. i'd like to know what is exactly in store for me, because kirito left on account of disagreements.. or at least that's my excuse for him. He wouldn't get his way with me or lightning so he left. @_@ and i owe red thanks again, because if she didn't royally bitch at kirito.. things would be screwed over AGAIN. O_o. but lightning actually keeps trying to fuse with me, and it.. it's getting annoying. She hates my guts half the time, yet she misses the comfort of fucking with my own head for her gain. Maybe kirito had a right idea returning us to what we are supposed to be. post comment

Dear Seth, [01 Mar 2005|04:38pm] [ music | Buck - Tick - Doubt 99' ] I know i still love you with all of my damned bleeding heart.. the one cursed by the government to forever follow a stupid wish i made years ago. It's time for me to say goodbye on my end, i've had my end to think about it.. as much as i love you i can't bare the pain of knowing your heart's not fully in it. I have no wealth, i have no family left.. my brother's gone to the other side. Yet, he isn't my brother by blood.., again i retierate to you that i have no real family left. You of all people have taken me in, cleansed me of the filth that was stained against me. Why is this such a serious letter you ask? I tell you from my heart, it's better that i tell the truth in a serious matter than to not tell you at all. Wouldn't you rather see me grow and mature, than to sit around and act like i'm still 17? You have never had a full love for me as a whole, as we both sadly know i'm two sides to a coin. It's taken me this long to decide what it is i need to do. I know i should stay for the children, i know i should stay and be their father.. but is it right for me to stay as their father when i know damned well that's not what god made me? I'm leaving you with reasonable requests, to let me over-compensate you for the children.. all i ask is for minor visitation rights, the ability to pay you above and beyond what is required by US and japanese laws, and to leave both my engagement ring and yours to the children for whoever marries first. In time when i recieve enough money, i will purchase sets for all of the kits. I'm unsure how to return the elder kits.. how they arrived i'll still never understand.. But let me assure you.. in all of this.. if any of the elder kits come after me for leaving you, and attempt to slice me to bits.. I will single handedly shove you in a padded room and assume full parental responisbilty. Know that i am not in any such mood anymore to put up with our immature games against each other, either you love me for who i am or you don't. In this sort of relationship there is no inbetween, and unfortunatley you never seemed to meet the inbetween. I admire your lust for shiny objects, that's the law of being a cat.. funny enough i never understood it until my own powers surfaced as of last year. However, that seemed to get in the way of you truly making a desicsion on if you love me or if you just like simple money comfort. Point blank as of now, i need to be on my own.. i need to grow and mature away from you, you do not hinder me.. no, you have taught me much. As you are truly the only woman i have ever truly loved as a man, and it is hard to think if i ever will be over you. As again i reiterate.. i cannot marry someone who's heart isn't fully in it, i can't marry someone who doesn't fully love me for who i am. Even if half of me is laying asleep on a sofa bed in the lounge while Saitoh's girlfriend works out arrangments for student-living. You didn't have to love her as you did me, but you never showed a care in the world for much of what went on, if something happened to me .. you threatened to leave me. So... there isn't much to discuss.. but if you plan on crying to me, which i doubt you will.. I'll be packing my bags and leavng them in the lounge, and sleeping on sensei's couch til dawn. You have my cellphone number, you have all my outside contact information.. I won't be back at the temple again until the end of march, i have to return for a contract guitar job in the harajuku district. and know, that i.. i will always have a place for you in my heart.. despite all of our trials and tribulations. - .. Justin David Terrance............. P.S. .. If Jill bothers to throw in 'visitation', don't let her.. she's too unstable. Although, if your looking for someone for help with the elder ones, i'm sure sensei can put them to good work. 1 comment|post comment

@_@. [26 Feb 2005|04:01pm] Well fuck the final fusion. It's not like it was working out @_@.. but uh yea, she just kinda ripped herself from my back without seth looking and voila. She's somewhat more sane i guess, no more of this 'i'm not me' thing.. O_o i guess maybe it's cause this time i suffered abit from her ripping herself from me? I dont have any cuts or scars or anything, but i kinda do feel a little weaker .. i dont think it's gonna last, i think it's just a matter of taking it easy for the week. But uh, Felix, Ed and Remy are following her around now @_@. why? cause .. well O-o that whole gold cat fur problem of mine? >>; she rectified it, now we're both cats >>; which presents a problem. Real big problem. It's like incest the way they're going after her. and she's still a little confused about everything changing around her since the fusion O_o. she still calls yoshiki 'father' on occasion, think's it's ok to call dai 'maldiel' .. and Die showed his face again, and she calledh im kain @_@. Either way she's still ok, i mean she's not bleeding synthetic collagen anymore.. she tested that out in the shower when trying to shave her legs XD .. that was cute she kinda slipped and fell in the public showers and one of the girls didnt understand why she was laughing or crying at the time XD post comment

What a shitty couple of weeks turning up to a decent one. [13 Feb 2005|08:33pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | X JAPAN - DRAIN ] I'm serious, i had a pretty odd month. Gods.. all with Light.. O_o. yea that final fusion has yet to happen, and in alot of ways i hope it doesnt, she'll fuck my head over when i've already gotten over what's happened already. Anyways, yea. I've been engaged probbaly for a few weeks now. O_o. i lost track already. i'm knowing though tis valentiens tomorrow, and uh.. I got word from Yuki, the kits (the older ones) have seperate rooms, so i got the keys to those already from sensei. I went off and bought a bunch of stuff to furnish the rooms (i got a big paycheck from contract work, seems a few bands needed extra guitar work) I bought a new couch for Sai's old place, evidently Sugi's moving in with him, but i don't know what Yuki thinks of that @_@. I think Sai's just doing that out of the kindess of his heart rather than 'i'm bored let's fuck a gay guy.' I got a bunch of stuff for the apartment seth and i are in, like a vaccuum XD I promised her if i shed all over her couch i'd clean it up. So yea, i also bought the best valentines gift ever, a gift card to a ritzy japanese women's shop, and then a gift card to a steak place XD With us big cats? Geez i think that's gonna be gone in a night XD Well ok now i gotta go, present the presents early. 2 comments|post comment

Gah. [25 Jan 2005|09:09am] [ mood | angry ] I am utterly in anger-mode right now. i could really use a day away from my kits, but sadly seth's got a doctors appointment and i'm stuck babysitting >>; THE OLDER ONES this time. She's taking the younger ones with and i'm stuck with a bunch of twats my age.. and EERRRR i'm not mad at them i'm just.. Put it this way, i haven't been this angry since before seth practically tamed me down.. right now if she fought me .. i'd lose the engagement like forever. I'm like in no mood to play kissy-face-normal-me just for show. I don't normally do it for show, that's what i'm like usually.. BUT GODDAMNIT FUCKING HELL. My mother's an ass (not my biological one) ... she's all like "Well i don't give a fuck about your pansy-ass-temple, i never agreed to have you go see that whackjob koh anyways.. he's a menace to society." My brother's a moron "I want sex with a hermaphrodite!" My old friend from the gov't.. he's even worse of an ass.. i dont know WHAT kirito shoved up his ass. God, i'm back to smoking without like killing my lungs again.. i just got used to the coughing pretty much.. i'm like so pissed off even emphysema would eventually not hurt. >>; I'm on like my fourth pack today, i'm in a chain-smoking-fucking-asshole mode. Lightning made me paint my nails which didnt help.. so now i look like a freak. Why? >>; i had the gall to realize i could make my hair 'normal' since the whole fur color change.. thus making it available to dye again. What'd i do? bleached it, did the whole damn head magenta-pinkish. Seriously. it's fucked up.. i look like a glam rocker with this getup. 4 comments|post comment

Bright Life Merry Go Round. [23 Jan 2005|06:24pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Kozi - Honey Vanity ] Ok a few interesting things happened ... weird, good and bad. Good: - Made up with seth, she just needed to really take a week to cool down.. too much happened and she kinda lost it. - My children decided in the future to come back and haunt me in this time, explanation later when i figure out how to get one to stop chewing on my leg. - Took all ten of them shopping with their mother, and sensei.. the elder ones blurted "GRANDPA KOH " ... hide wasn't happy he kindly said back 'uncle hide.' Weeeiiird: = Ran into friends of Kakumei's (Old comrade from the 'resistance' when i was younger) and .. .. acutally they're his sisters... 'Red' as she's nicknamed, firey little bitch.. and unfortunatley part of the rebellion.. She .. she somehow had the power to remove whoever'd been sucked in by my powers oh so long ago. Sans lightning of course, cause she's still rampantly set on final fusion when she figures out how. Bad: = Ran into said friends/siblings .. found out there's a rebellion... the hard way.. they tried to recruit the grown older kits to their side.. Needless to say krystal bit red's hand, and nita clung to sensei XD So yah. go me? >>; i'm soo not used to a clear head. i can actually think again.. ON MY OWN! Odd. wonder if i should like speak to sensei and yoshiki about this. post comment

ok. [20 Jan 2005|02:21pm] yes. so now i have to decide if i really love seth. i have to decide what i want in life. why? because now i've got a NATURAL female form, one that takes control whenever she wants to talk to hide or yoshiki. she's afraid of full fusion, then again i dont blame her.. so am i. I don't want to admit this, but an old comrade from the old complex arrived and found out about all of this, .. and well.. we AHEM .. spent the night and morning together, as i had control of my mind, but not my form. Spent the night, cleared my head. .. in .. the sadly.. most erotic way possible *coughs a laugh* .. however, i don't want to go into it.. if it gets out to seth the marriage is dead before i can even say 'i'm sorry'. I miss the kits, i miss waking up downstairs next to felix and remy eating my tail for breakfast. I miss hearing seth yawn and complain that i didnt give her good sex for taking care of the kits. However, my roomates' friends have been trying to convince me to think everything over and at first i was convinced i should end it, but then something told me 'Wait, you've been trained NOT to share your feelings the right way, to keep things that are private, private. This is the government's ideal situation not yours.' .. so i decided i was going to go back and ask for total forgivness, and tell her that i'll share my life with her just so i can promise to give her the attention she deserves. Gods. I just remembered i wanted to smoke, but i can't because of her.. not cause of seth .. because of lightning, her fusion with me has left me unable to do the one thing that calms me >>; i smoke one, the damn thing makes me cough uncontrollably. 2 comments|post comment

Talked to Seth, Talked to Yoshiki. [15 Jan 2005|09:40am] As the subject says, i talked to seth. We're staying clear of each other for a week, otehr than probably taking turns with the kits, but i don't think she wants them near me when i've still got problems. I went to see Yoshiki as planned.. NO SENSEI don't get all 'Fuxx. i told people to stay clear of him' >>; Something changed, i can smell it. things were popping out of thin air.. and if you give me time, i'll remember what lightning saw.. i'm not quite up to speed on all of this 'mpd' crap.. she's not done yet, so she won't let me totally bury her >>; she still needs to talk to you sensei.. and then she'll let me attempt at this 'final fusion' she kept talking about. it was close to it at first, but she kinda seperated herself today so she could speak to 'Father' >>; but yea, if i smell another change around here besides yoshiki and i i think i'm gonan go insane for a few hours >>; so sensei.. when i get a chance to come down to see you.. YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SUDDENLY changed >>; I've been smelling too much change. >>; post comment

small little update. [13 Jan 2005|12:25pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Shakira - Underneath Your Clothes ] ugh. yea. it happened. i'm fine physically.. i'm OK mentally, i mean i can function and everything, but i'm a bit wonky. Seth and I fought this morning about the prospect of what DID already happen.. and i.. i almost lost her. Well quite frankly i might've, but i'm trying NOT to think about that. Might, meaning i sent off a note to her room an hour or two ago about it.. Oh yea happy belated biological birthday to me... why to me? because she doesn't exist, lightning isn't a seperate entity anymore. It's sadening, i actually feel her love for her 'father' now.. it kinda sickens me at the same time. Maybe when i get out i'll talk to Yoshiki about this, i need to get it out of my head.. I've officially been told now that unfortunatley i can't claim being 24, i have to say what my bio age is or else i'm lying. *sighs* I'm really 22, which means seth is four or more years older than i am... more of a maturity gap to stretch the stress further. I yes, woke up female.. but i regained enough strength to force myself into male mode (it hurt like freaking hell, but i even managed to get my fur back!) So seth hon, i'm back to normal.. physically.. psychologically i need a few small things sorted out but it's nothing that can't heal. I love you, and .. well as i said in the note, i dont know where i'd be without you. [Watch me be a sap why dont you!] Uhm, that should be about it.. i really need to await someone's desc, on if i can get my asso ut of here or not. The nurses told me it's not up to the med staff, that it's up to the director in this case. [Yay me. I get to meet the director .. >>; he'll probably come in and tell me i've been a freaking bad kid and throw me in the slammer.] Wait............ director............................. [private] Director.. isn't that... isnt' that sensei?... it is isn't it? >>; damnit now i'll never get out of here. [/private] post comment

well.... it happened. [08 Jan 2005|10:26am] Seth and I are officially engaged.. unfortunatley i sorta ruined the mood when i went to sugizo to ask where saitoh was.. only to find out he'd .. he'd lost jill inside the one place we didn't want her to go. I wanted to.. i wanted to kill him practically. soldier to soldier style.. but seth and the kits were there, so i opted to calm down and get less angry. I read about his 'altar'.. i guess i'm lucky.. i am the 'altar' of me.. i just have anger issues >>; Like when i met die for the first time. Kozi pulled some dumb ass trick on me and i hadn't woken up yet.. and kinda went after him.. >>; needless to say i was sick for a few hours after that. It sounds like kozi's getting better, i truthfully did feel bad for him having my personality stuck in his head. He's still whining about the smell of my ciggarrettes..i almost died laughing at the party .. mana.. he wore stilletto heels.. enough to make even gay men twitch and shiver. And TRUST me, when kozi recovers he'll be back to being normal, and NOT shivering at mana's shoes <3. I know i'm writing a bit much, but i plan on not writing for a while so i can pay more attention to seth and the kits. I went full panther this morning.. and i know your going 'well yea we've seen that before.. so yea.' .. but this was different.. my fur went gold and red.. Bringing back .. bringing back stuff i'd personally buried so it'd never come back to haunt me. Of course, i don't want to go into it much..let's just say if i'm not careful, i won't be a male kitty cat much longer, and it has nothing to do with seth, and castration. .... five foot five, gold and red fur.. gold and red eyes.. and a keen eye for the asshole that told me he'd take me out of a dump and chickened out when they overdosed me on tranquilizers. .. i do yes, hold saitoh somewhat accountable.. thus why occaisonally he gets scared of me.. because he always refused to get really angry.. i'd blow his head of :-= Trust me, when i found out.. the day i moved into the compelx .. you were the one that had said you'd take me from there. I wanted to kick yer fuckin ass from here to timbuktu.(Lets recount the blessings, he didn't TAKE Me from there then, i really beleive he tried to.. but part of me still wants to strangle him for making a dumb ass promise.. However, he had a part in getting jill and i to the complex by 1999.) 2 comments|post comment

shh don't tell seth i'm writing this. [07 Jan 2005|02:10pm] Uhm. yea i'm gonna get in royal trouble for lying XD (Not like i haven't already, but you know my balls are still intact 8D) http://www.uniteddiamonds.com/catalogviewer.html?product=11001 That's the one, my aunt owned it (my aunt from the parental units the government gave me, not light's family) and she gave it to me before i left for japan again.. YES i had forgotten to ask her, so yea kicking me in the ass brought me to remember that i've got an hour to prepare for a secret party for her tonight. So uh i have to give the kits a bath behind her back... and yea >>. So i need to run, but yes. Whoever . Yea come damnit XD If you know me, and are in the temple, go to the cafeteria. be there at 7 PM. [OOC: Whenever the hell meko gets on XD] 2 comments|post comment

paper bag. [03 Jan 2005|06:37pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Aerosmith - Livin on the edge ] I am in my dorm room, taking care of baby edward.. he's got bronchitis. >> i need to get him to the med centre later on, there is no freaking way i'm able to take care of him on my own while seth takes care of the other four that ARENT sick. I swear one of these days i'll get the courage to bow down on my fucking knee and give her a freaking ring. She deserves better than me laetly, but with all that's going on it's hard to say 'i'm sorry' because alot of it is hard to explain. I don't know what would happen if i were ever to become female again and STAY that way for any length of time. It scares me enough just the thought of it, i haven't had that happen in a couple years.. i don't even know if koh remembers that hap.. excuse me, hide remembers anything. .. sorry sensei i'm just not used to calling you by your real name yet. post comment

Voulez Vous Danser, Avec Moi? [31 Dec 2004|09:10pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Semisonic - Singing In My Sleep ] My weeks have been quite... quite quiet, seth's back.. the kits are here.. they still paw at my scars from the surgery.. (mana took the stitches out) it reminds me of a photo of my biological father -_-. [ooc note: I DONT want to scan photos of daddy just to show what the scars look like >> don't want to scare people. Plus it's not relavent :3] I've been doing research on my 'past' that i know bits and pieces of, and still could give a rat's ass about. Either way i got to, it's the key to understanding things around me. Nothing is conclusive yet.. but uhm.. yea it's still unknown why jill's parents just dissapeared in 2000. 4 comments|post comment

[12 Dec 2004|09:13pm] forced to stay in bed. why? i had surgery. what's seth gonna say now? O_o post comment

The effervescent and transparent sheild breaks [10 Dec 2004|09:02pm] captivated once again by the beauty of another. dying inside organ by organ i scream as the monster within breaks free Someone please help me Someone please tell me What is it with me What is wrong with me captivated once again by the beauty of none other as the flower wilts petal by petal tell me again why am i here Someone please help me Someone please tell me What is it with me What is wrong with me I can't be everything you wanted I can't be everything i wanted Why cant i be yours completley I'm dying for your complete touch. post comment

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